If you believe that you are in a cult and need help getting out, here are some resources that may help you. If you are in physical danger, call 911.
Support Network ~ Am I In A Cult? ~ Grow Up Fundamentalist?
“Oh my god,” I whispered to my dark room. “I was raised in a cult.”
I’d spent hours that day tumbling down an internet rabbit-hole of articles, stories, and blogposts that described my life. Everything I read was saying, What’s happening to you is wrong…your feelings are valid…you don’t have to live this way…there is hope.
As I read, I felt two separate parts of me emerge and begin fighting; one part seemed to grab at any evidence that validated my feelings of oppression. It was relieved, telling me, “See? You feel depressed, anxious, and suicidal because you’re being mistreated. What’s wrong is your environment, NOT you.” The other part felt attacked, and was clinging tightly to the beliefs and ideas that made up the foundations of my life. It worried to me, “What if what you’re reading is wrong? What if you stop believing and go to Hell?”
When I crawled out of my rabbit-hole it was dark outside; I’d been frozen staring at my screen all afternoon long. I felt dread. I felt relief. I felt panic. I felt exhaustion. Here I was: 18, a few months away from graduation, with all of my proverbial eggs in one basket. I’d been homeschooled 1st-12th grade and had very little to show for it. My understanding of politics, justice, religion, science, the nature of humanity, and my plans for my future were all viewed through the lens of conservative Christian fundamentalism. I’d been preparing for the Rapture and End Times my whole life. If humanity even lasted to my adulthood, my understanding of God’s plan for me was to marry a nice Christian man and be a stay-at-home mother to however many children God gave us. I shouldn’t go to college, and pursuing a career was God’s calling for my brothers, not me.
Suffice it to say that realizing NOW–on the brink of adulthood–that the life I’d led up to this point was not based in reality was devastating. Start over? Now? That seemed so hard. Wasn’t there a chance that what I’d read was wrong? For the 18 years I’d spent basing my worldview on Bill Gothard’s version of reality to not be a complete waste of my life would have been a relief.
Staying certainly would have been the easier choice. But that rabbit-hole started a spark of hope in me that continued to burn and burn as I began to look at my life and consider my options.
Ten years later, and I didn’t stay. I am a self-employed woman with a tattoo, a nostril piercing, and a Lexapro prescription. I listen to secular music–even with drums!–and I drink wine. Sometimes I say “fuck.” I wear yoga pants and a sports bra to the gym, and if anyone checks me out I think “you’re welcome” instead of “I’m sorry.” I don’t do anything that I don’t want to do in this life, and I’m not afraid of going to Hell when I die. If my 18-year-old self could see me now, I think she’d be a little afraid, but mostly she’d sigh with relief, “I’m so glad we made it out,” and realize, “holy shit, we’re happy.”
And I am.
Ten years ago I didn’t know where I’d end up, and I definitely didn’t have a road-map on how to get here. It’s really true that none of us turn 18 or 21 or 25 or 30 or whatever your magic number is for when you think adults suddenly know what they’re doing–we don’t, and there is no arrival point. We’re all just making it up as we go, and so were your parents. So here is your permission to throw out your preconceived notions of what adulthood is that festered and fed off of those childhood because-I-said-so‘s and someday-you’ll-understand-and-say-you’re-sorry‘s.
For when I was feeling so stranded and broken, this is the guide I wish that I’d had. Take my hand. It’s going to be okay.
1. Take a Deep Breath
You may not feel okay right now but eventually you will be. Realizing that the religious organization you grew up in is a cult is a big deal, and if you feel as though the wind has been knocked out of your lungs, that’s a sign that you understand the gravity of your situation. It is a loss of your time that you cannot get back…you only grow up once. I felt robbed of my childhood. Mourning the life you can’t get back is part of your path toward a healthier future. Give yourself grace. Please don’t call yourself a piece of shit, and don’t you dare think you’d be better off dead because that’s absolutely not true. You belong here and you deserve to take up space.
2. Take Stock of Your Life
Consider your circumstances objectively. What do you have going for you? What kind of job would you recommend to someone with your level of education, experience, and skills? Do you currently have a job, or could you get one to start making your own money? How much money do you have saved? What are your current monthly expenses and do you have any debt? Do you have a mode of transportation? Access to the internet? Do you have a drivers license or other form of government ID, your birth certificate, and your Social Security card handy? What are your current responsibilities? Are you married, a parent, or do you have a pet? Consider what is keeping you where you are right now.
3. Prioritize Your Safety
The most important thing is your safety. When I realized I was in a cult, I knew I wasn’t in physical danger, but I faced manipulation and psychological and spiritual abuse daily from my parents. It was something I had to weather until I could move out, which didn’t end up being for years. However, my acknowledgement that what was happening to me was abuse empowered me to begin building an identity outside of who my parents said I was. If you are in danger, there ARE resources to help you. If physical or domestic violence describes your situation, call the domestic abuse hotline (800-799-7233) or 911. If you are a minor experiencing abuse, call Child Protective Services (800-422-4453). If you are an adult trapped in your environment against your will and you want to leave, call 911.
4. Acknowledge Your Roadblocks and Enemies
When I realized I was in a cult it was my senior year of high school, I had a very part-time job, and I didn’t yet have a car or a drivers license. There was a boy I wanted to date (my husband these days) but knew that my parents would be most tolerant of that decision if I graduated first, so I was waiting. I wanted to move out, but felt that there were so many stepping stones between where I was and the proverbial shore that was living on my own. I needed to get my ducks in line to begin overcoming these roadblocks. It felt grim to acknowledge that my main enemies were the cult itself and my parents who held me to the cult’s standards, but that acknowledgement clarified what my exit strategy should be. I chose to steel myself in anticipation of the triggers I would endure and quietly bide my time. I chose carefully who to discuss my situation with, first identifying who my allies were. Who would help me get out, and who would try to convince me to stay? Also…what was I most afraid of? I realized that I lived in fear of what God would do to me if I sinned or died unrepentant. My fear of God and going to Hell remained a roadblock for me that took years to overcome.
5. Educate Yourself
Once I admitted to myself that I was in a cult, several things immediately changed. Suddenly my environment triggered me. All of the religious books and media around my family’s house and on my own bookshelf were symbols of my indoctrination and religious programming. Things my parents said to me felt traumatizing because for the first time I was aware that I was actively being abused by my parents. I began second-guessing every single thing I’ve grown up thinking or believing. Because my religion had it’s own systematic beliefs regarding any topic (politics, science, gender-roles, morality, education, etc.,) I felt that I had to wipe my understanding of the world completely clean and start over. I felt like I didn’t know who to trust, and often questioned my own judgment.
I began to google everything I was unsure of. I had a friend who was getting out of the same cult with me, so we became each other’s sounding boards as we began educating ourselves. What DID I think of politics? What DID I think about heaven and hell and God? Did I believe in evolution or a young earth? What did I think about abortion? Birth-control? Alcohol? I began asking other people what they believed. If they asked me for my opinion on the topic, I would say, “I don’t know, I’m still learning about it.” I read SO many self-help books. Having access to the library was great, but I was also trying to keep my religious deconstruction a secret from my parents, so listening to audiobooks on my phone with apps like Audible or Libby were key for me.
Having the attitude that it’s okay to not have all the answers is immensely helpful. It’s okay to take time to develop your opinions and regain trust of your own intuition. Don’t question whether your thoughts are from the devil–they’re not. That’s YOU in there, trying to think freely! Trust this voice. And if you feel overwhelmed by the many, many viewpoints out there on everything, give yourself time for the information-overload dust to settle and keep searching. Overtime the voices will get organized and a couple will stand out to you. Latch onto these; these are your thoughts forming in you. Be patient–it’ll take years to rebuild your worldview with the same clarity that you had before, but it’s not a race. Saying “I don’t know” about a topic that you’ve previously felt certain about can feel destabilizing, but your life won’t crumble while your opinions are unformed. Lean into your uncertainty.
Take heart–we are all tiny beings existing on a rock flying through space. Give yourself permission for your decisions and actions not to matter so much. You have time and space to collect yourself and then to just exist. You don’t need to worry about the end of the world anymore.
6. Stop Consuming Indoctrinating Media
One of my triggers was my mom talking to me about the news. She read the news everyday and had email subscriptions to a lot of alternative news sources, many of which she continued to forward to me for years after moving out.
I stopped watching or reading the news altogether. It was too stressful to worry about how every news story might be a biblical prophesy coming true and shortening the distance between now and the End Times. I unfollowed people on my social media feed who ignited my fear that I might be going to hell. I stopped reading the books sold by the cult and threw away a lot of the ones on my bookshelf, replacing it all with resources whose openminded viewpoints interested me.
7. Set Some Goals
Envision your ideal self in ten years sans cult. Where are you living? Do you have a family of your own? What kind of job do you see yourself working? Now consider how to get onto the path to that future self. Do you need to get a (different) job? Find a way to move out? Start seeing a therapist? What are the top three changes to your life that would improve it the most?
8. Begin Building a Support Network
No one is self-made. We all rely on other people to support us throughout our journeys. You need people in your circle who will help you when you’re in a crisis. In a perfect world that would be your family, but often in these situations it is our families who are hurting us the most. In my situation the majority of my community were people like my parents who would treat me as an outlier if they knew that I disagreed with their beliefs and lifestyle. Determine who your current allies are and who you should be wary of.
If you don’t have people in your corner, it’s time to go get some! Consider the following ways to meet new people and begin building your Chosen Family:
- Take a class at a community center or community college
- Meet your neighbors at a block party, your local swimming pool, etc.
- Volunteer for a cause that matters to you
- Attend a (different, less-restrictive) church (I currently attend a United Church of Christ)
- Attend a club (MeetUp.com is great for this!)
- Get a part-time job at a place where you think you’d connect with others
- Frequent the library, a park, a coffee shop, a beach, or a bar to meet the other regulars
- Get on a friend-finding app like Bumble BFF
- Pursue a hobby that involves other people (go skating at a skate park, take a pottery class, take your dog to the dog park, or attend an art gallery)
- Attend local events, like the farmers market, the fair, etc.
The caveat to this is that you’ll need to put yourself out there. If you’ve grown up with the same people your whole life and risk losing everyone by leaving, don’t listen to the fear that you’ll never have the same kind of community again. People reinvent themselves all the time, everyday. It’s possible to move to a new place knowing no one and starting over with everything. I’ve done it; it’s actually really empowering and provides so many natural opportunities for growth. You can rebuild your whole life with time, intention, and effort.
9. Work Toward Financial Independence
Find a way to get a job. Save your money as much as you can, work on building your credit, and work on separating your finances and assets (a car, for instance) from those in power over you by getting a separate bank account, storing money there as opposed to cash (if at risk of being stolen), putting your car and insurance in your own name if you can, etc.
10. Hide Your Stuff
If your things get rifled through by others who don’t respect your privacy, do everything you can to password-protect all of your technology, and be smart about where you collect and store information. If you have a journal, hide it in a really good spot and don’t write anything else in it. Start journaling in a word document on a password-protected device instead. Your privacy will be key to your plan to leave, so don’t sabotage your efforts. I stored things in the trunk of my car that could only be opened with a key, and I had a locker at my community college where I stored things I couldn’t risk my parents finding in my room. I developed a habit of shredding all of my documents before throwing them away, and bigger items were discarded in public trash cans (as opposed to toilets–don’t do that!) You deserve privacy and have a right to your belongings. If you can safely do so, stand up for yourself and your human needs.
11. Start Healing Yourself
No one can heal you but you.
First, take care of your physical body. Love your body with what you put into it. Nourish yourself. Be careful with substances, and be intentional when you do use substances like alcohol or weed.
When we undergo repetitive trauma, it wears on our bodies as much as our hearts. If you only recently realized you are in a cult, you may experience shock, then exhaustion. You will likely be emotionally all over the place, and may begin to experience panic attacks or intense anxiety. These symptoms are common and you may just need to ride it out. It gets better.
You may also need medical attention. If you have health insurance, set up a check-up appointment with a doctor and catch up on your vaccines if needed. I grew up in an anti-vax household, so I had a dozen or so vaccines that I caught up on over time. You may also want to consider starting a form of birth-control.
Second, you need therapy. If you have health insurance and can afford the co-pay, or if you can afford an online service like Brightside or Nurx, DO pursue therapy. Church counseling won’t cut it, and be wary of subjecting yourself to family therapy sessions–especially if the counselor is not a licensed therapist. If your cult has been harming you, they aren’t likely to begin helping now. Seek professional care.
Third, medication can help you cope with mental health conditions. Common ones for people getting out of a cult are anxiety, depression, and PTDS. You may also have other unrelated mental health conditions that have gone undiagnosed due to your circumstances. Medications can help treat conditions like ADHD and Bipolar to make daily life easier.
Start moving your body if you don’t already regularly exercise. Some people find running to be therapeutic and an outlet for processing experiences (I am not those people). Others find yoga and meditation to be peaceful and sometimes spiritual (without all the trauma). Get into a sport! Find a way of moving that feels good to your body.
12. Dream About Your Future
I know it’s hard to imagine right now, but there is a great big world out here and I want you to see it. There is a life for you that is stable, where you are not constantly in fear of being harmed, in crisis over paying your bills, or feeling worthless or better off dead. Where you have love and support from friends and have the mental and emotional capacity to love yourself and enjoy your life. Focus on this potential life and how you’re growing toward it.
13. Be Patient With Yourself
This growth takes time. You may struggle with cognitive dissonance–knowing that God will not smite you if you stop believing, but still fearing that he might. You will get triggered by things that take you by surprise and need time to process what is happening. Remember, you are actively deprogramming your brain from the brainwashing you experienced as a child, so you’ll need to repeatedly reframe your thoughts and feelings. You may deconstruct your faith, or at least detangle the rest of your worldview from it, and decide what to keep and leave behind. All of these things take time and work, and it’s normal to feel physically drained from it all.
14. Redistribute Your Power
You are worthy of love and belonging simply because you exist. You deserve a life free of limitations on your thoughts and beliefs. It may take years to get to a place where you are living in a place that you love, and where you have freedom and full power over your life. One thing you can start working toward now is establishing boundaries with the people in your life who have crossed your boundaries in the past.
Consider how they have done this, and what your response to it was. Were you passive? Did you protest and get ignored? Did you run away crying to your childhood bedroom because you had no other choice? You’re probably older now, and you may not even live with your parents anymore. It took me years after moving out to identify that my response to my parents assertion of power over me never changed after my childhood. Now, as an adult, if my parents make me uncomfortable, I don’t have to tolerate their behavior, I can just get in my car and leave! But it usually doesn’t come to that; over the past decade I’ve had to create boundaries and practice enforcing them. It’s important to communicate to those interacting with you what you are comfortable with. People may challenge your boundaries by pushing back, and you will need to reiterate your boundaries again and again. Think about it like you’re training a pet to do a trick–learning takes time and repetition, and change is hard for people, but remaining firm with your boundaries will help cement them into peoples’ minds over time.
Also consider inoculating family and friends with small doses of the change happening in you. Feed them information within friendly conversation to normalize whatever lifestyle changes have occurred. I knew that the only way my parents would learn to accept me would be through slowly introducing my real thoughts and choices to them over time, giving them opportunities to process and respond. While it was not my responsibility to be the teacher in this situation, I chose to assume that role in order to teach my parents how to accept people who don’t live like them.
And that’s it! Follow these 14 steps and your life will be fixed!
Just kidding.
That’s not how life works. Healing is not linear, and these fourteen steps are just steps that I made up and put in an order that makes senses to me but may feel out of order for you. Only you know how best to begin healing yourself, so listen to your thoughts and feelings and give them weight! What you think and want matters, YOU matter, you have a place here on this spinning rock with us, and none of those facts hinge on anything that anyone can say about you.
Here’s what I like to remind myself: I am not responsible for other people’s feelings, even when they are about me.
And also this: what other people say about me is none of my business.
And this too: people who talk are gonna talk about me no matter what, so I might as well give them something interesting to talk about.
It will be okay. You will be okay.
Say it with me: I am a survivor and I will overcome this.
Leona Left Fundamentalism 
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